Letter to New Stay-at-Home Mamas

background image credit: AlphaMom

Last year I felt compelled to write this letter to a sweet friend. The year before she had her first baby, and was pregnant again with her second. This time, she was going to take some time off from work to be a stay-at-home mama.

I could hear the struggle in her voice as she relayed to me how torn she was between staying home with her babies and leaving a job that she loved.

It was like talking to myself eight years earlier - when I was pregnant with my first baby - knowing that would be my last year of teaching. And really struggling. Teaching was part of who I was - it was what I had wanted to do since I was eight years old. Teaching was my dream come true. And when I quit, I felt like an important piece of me was missing.

And when my second baby girl was born, I did not adjust well. I'm sure I had more postpartum depression than I wanted to admit. These were dark, stressful, sad days for me.

So I wrote this letter - of things I wish I had done - and things that I felt. I wrote it from my heart and experience in leaving my job and identity that I loved and shifting from a family of three to four. My prayer is that as you read, you will not feel alone.

Dear Mama –

Before Anthony and I got married we had decided on a few things – like we would live off of one salary so that when we did have children we would already be used to living without my income so that I could stay home with the babies.  So when I found out I was pregnant and due in October, I resigned at the end of the school year and this was one of the most difficult things I had to do because I loved my job and my students.  I ugly cried at their 5^th Grade Continuation.  But I was also so excited about being able to spend time at home and watch my babies grow up.  So I can empathize with all the feels you might be feeling.

 We all know that hindsight is 20/20, and I hope you know that in no way am I an expert at all.  It was hard for me to go from a family of three to a family of four. 

•  Both Anthony and I struggled with a little bit of guilt, wondering if we were selfish in bringing a new baby home when Isabella was still little. Would she still feel loved enough?  When my parents brought Isabella to the hospital for the first time, I was not holding Catherine.  She was able to come sit with me in the bed and look at the baby in the bassinet.  She wanted nothing to do with Catherine until we got home – but even then she only wanted to look at her.  Isabella refused to call Catherine by her name – she was just “that baby.”  But we both made sure to have special “Isabella Time,” and she liked that.  The first thing Anthony did when he got home was to make sure he found Isabella and chatted with her about her day before he relieved me from baby duty for a moment!

• Be okay with the house out of order or dinner not made.  I learned to be okay when Isabella had to watch more TV than I ever thought I would let her.  Give yourself grace when the laundry is clean but not folded, or you never got the shower you promised yourself that you would take.

• And that being said, give yourself permission to ask for help.  Ask when you need it.  We live in a world that makes us feel like we should be able to handle it all – but the truth is that sometimes we need help – and that is okay.  I had friends offer to hold babies, take them to their house, clean my house while I slept, make dinner, fold laundry, and even go grocery shopping for me.  But I was too ashamed to ever admit that I needed help.  So please learn from my failure here – it is more than okay to need help.  And I'm sure there are so many people in your life who would give anything to help.  “Momming” two kids with your Village is so much better than isolated and alone.

• Quitting your job, or just taking some time off to stay home will be worth it.  But it is hard.  So often we define ourselves by WHAT we do.  And we allow others to define us in this way as well – “What do you do?” is the question that comes right after an introduction.  I was embarrassed that I no longer “did anything,” so I would say something like, “Well, I used to teach, but now I just stay home.”  WHAAT???  It has taken me almost 9 years to be okay with who I am.  And for me to understand that I don’t always need a job title to define me.

• So make sure you take some time for yourself.  Being home with the kids all day can be exhausting because you are “on” all day.  You do not get breaks.  No planning time or even the coveted lunch minute when you actually get face time with another adult.  You respond to “So-&-So's Mom” instead of your name, because that is what you do all day!  So make sure you get enough “YOU TIME.”  Whatever that looks like.  However you recharge.  For me, time by myself – all alone – is important.  Going to the store without a child still feels like one of the most amazing things in the world.  But I also needed time with my girlfriends – with them I am not responsible for being the mom or the wife – I’m just me.

• And remember Date Nights and Get-Aways are still important – maybe more so.  We are home bodies, so sometimes going out seems like almost more work than it’s worth, but there’s a different kind of connection when you are not at home, so make sure you have time for just the two of you.

• There were some days when I felt like I was reaching a breaking point.  Catherine was a very high maintenance baby who wanted to be held all.the.time.  And she would not take a bottle – or a pacifier.  And that might have been okay if it were just the two of us, but I had a little Isabella who needed me too.  So sometimes I had to put Catherine in her crib and close the door and let her cry, just so I could help Isabella.  And sometimes I would walk in my closet and close the door and cry – because I didn’t know what else to do.  It was too cold to sit on the front porch, but I knew a girl that would do that.  And on a few occasions, but not very often, I had to call Anthony and ask him to come home as soon as possible because I was done.

• Have a few friends that are a little bit ahead of you.  When they are not in the trenches, they are able to listen and completely understand.  Plus, you can see that they made it!  And, they are probably craving some baby snuggles!  Don’t assume these ladies don’t want to invest in you, because chances are they either had someone who poured into them, or wished that they had.

• And never underestimate the power of some jewelry, dry shampoo, and a little make-up.  Even in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, you can go straight to fabulous with a few accessories!

I’m sure I could go on and on, but I hope you know how special you are to me (even if we don't know each other yet)..  

I would love to bring you coffee, soda, wine, and fries anytime!  I am an open book if you ever have any questions.  And I can also sit and just listen – because sometimes that’s all you need. Praying for a smooth transition, a healthy pregnancy and baby, and sleep!

Lisa