My Nemesis...

How I wish I felt about mornings with my girls...

How I actually feel about mornings with my girls...

I don't know what mornings are like at your house, but mine are peaceful and quiet and slow...

Until 7:00 am, when my children emerge from their rooms - noise and chaos following in their wake.

Inspired by a video I ran across a few months ago, I started writing down the things I say to my children in the morning - nearly EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING.

•  Good morning sweet girl.
• How did you sleep?
• I love you.

• Excuse me. If you are choosing to talk that way, then you can choose to go back into your room.

 

• Are you getting ready or just messing around?
• Are you getting ready?
• Are you ready? 
• Are you actually planning on getting ready today?
• I'm not sure which part of "getting ready" you two are working on right now.

 

• Are you doing anything constructive or just hanging out? 

• Stop.
• Stop it.
• Stop. It.

 

• If you can't get along, you need to separate.
• Separate please.
• Go to your rooms. 

• Where is your shirt?
• Why aren't you wearing a shirt?
• Seriously. Put on a shirt.

• Please don't leave your bloody Band-aid on the counter.

• Is your lunch made?
• Are your teeth brushed?
• Did you brush your hair?
• Are you sure?

• There's still a situation happening down here.

• Are you done with breakfast?
• Why are your dishes still out?
• Please put your dishes by the sink.
• Put your dishes away! 

• Are you doing what you are supposed to be doing?

• Are the clothes on the floor clean or dirty?
• Please put your clean clothes away.
• Please put your dirty clothes in the laundry room.
• Put your clothes where they belong! Please! 

• That's gross. 

• Give me a smoochie.
• I love you.
• Guess what...I love you.
• I'm praying for you today.
• Be kind. Make good choices. Be a good friend. I love you.

Yep. That's pretty much a normal morning in my home. And yes, apparently I ask about a million questions...it makes them own their behavior...? At least that's what I'm going with.

My girls are sweet, good girls, but something happens in the morning - it's like they lose their minds and forget who they are! And they seem to have no recollection of the expectations set before them the morning before. It's exhausting.

Sweet mama - the day-to-day, mundane, exhausting moments are worth it. Keep up the hard work. We are making a difference, even if we can't see it.

And, the good news is, if my kids are anything like me, they will have very few memories of the morning routine...
He is my inspiration for writing down what I say to my kids. I promise, you want to watch Flat Irons Community Church's video. It's one of my favorites!!! "It's right in front of your eyes!"

Letter to New Stay-at-Home Mamas

background image credit: AlphaMom

Last year I felt compelled to write this letter to a sweet friend. The year before she had her first baby, and was pregnant again with her second. This time, she was going to take some time off from work to be a stay-at-home mama.

I could hear the struggle in her voice as she relayed to me how torn she was between staying home with her babies and leaving a job that she loved.

It was like talking to myself eight years earlier - when I was pregnant with my first baby - knowing that would be my last year of teaching. And really struggling. Teaching was part of who I was - it was what I had wanted to do since I was eight years old. Teaching was my dream come true. And when I quit, I felt like an important piece of me was missing.

And when my second baby girl was born, I did not adjust well. I'm sure I had more postpartum depression than I wanted to admit. These were dark, stressful, sad days for me.

So I wrote this letter - of things I wish I had done - and things that I felt. I wrote it from my heart and experience in leaving my job and identity that I loved and shifting from a family of three to four. My prayer is that as you read, you will not feel alone.

Dear Mama –

Before Anthony and I got married we had decided on a few things – like we would live off of one salary so that when we did have children we would already be used to living without my income so that I could stay home with the babies.  So when I found out I was pregnant and due in October, I resigned at the end of the school year and this was one of the most difficult things I had to do because I loved my job and my students.  I ugly cried at their 5^th Grade Continuation.  But I was also so excited about being able to spend time at home and watch my babies grow up.  So I can empathize with all the feels you might be feeling.

 We all know that hindsight is 20/20, and I hope you know that in no way am I an expert at all.  It was hard for me to go from a family of three to a family of four. 

•  Both Anthony and I struggled with a little bit of guilt, wondering if we were selfish in bringing a new baby home when Isabella was still little. Would she still feel loved enough?  When my parents brought Isabella to the hospital for the first time, I was not holding Catherine.  She was able to come sit with me in the bed and look at the baby in the bassinet.  She wanted nothing to do with Catherine until we got home – but even then she only wanted to look at her.  Isabella refused to call Catherine by her name – she was just “that baby.”  But we both made sure to have special “Isabella Time,” and she liked that.  The first thing Anthony did when he got home was to make sure he found Isabella and chatted with her about her day before he relieved me from baby duty for a moment!

• Be okay with the house out of order or dinner not made.  I learned to be okay when Isabella had to watch more TV than I ever thought I would let her.  Give yourself grace when the laundry is clean but not folded, or you never got the shower you promised yourself that you would take.

• And that being said, give yourself permission to ask for help.  Ask when you need it.  We live in a world that makes us feel like we should be able to handle it all – but the truth is that sometimes we need help – and that is okay.  I had friends offer to hold babies, take them to their house, clean my house while I slept, make dinner, fold laundry, and even go grocery shopping for me.  But I was too ashamed to ever admit that I needed help.  So please learn from my failure here – it is more than okay to need help.  And I'm sure there are so many people in your life who would give anything to help.  “Momming” two kids with your Village is so much better than isolated and alone.

• Quitting your job, or just taking some time off to stay home will be worth it.  But it is hard.  So often we define ourselves by WHAT we do.  And we allow others to define us in this way as well – “What do you do?” is the question that comes right after an introduction.  I was embarrassed that I no longer “did anything,” so I would say something like, “Well, I used to teach, but now I just stay home.”  WHAAT???  It has taken me almost 9 years to be okay with who I am.  And for me to understand that I don’t always need a job title to define me.

• So make sure you take some time for yourself.  Being home with the kids all day can be exhausting because you are “on” all day.  You do not get breaks.  No planning time or even the coveted lunch minute when you actually get face time with another adult.  You respond to “So-&-So's Mom” instead of your name, because that is what you do all day!  So make sure you get enough “YOU TIME.”  Whatever that looks like.  However you recharge.  For me, time by myself – all alone – is important.  Going to the store without a child still feels like one of the most amazing things in the world.  But I also needed time with my girlfriends – with them I am not responsible for being the mom or the wife – I’m just me.

• And remember Date Nights and Get-Aways are still important – maybe more so.  We are home bodies, so sometimes going out seems like almost more work than it’s worth, but there’s a different kind of connection when you are not at home, so make sure you have time for just the two of you.

• There were some days when I felt like I was reaching a breaking point.  Catherine was a very high maintenance baby who wanted to be held all.the.time.  And she would not take a bottle – or a pacifier.  And that might have been okay if it were just the two of us, but I had a little Isabella who needed me too.  So sometimes I had to put Catherine in her crib and close the door and let her cry, just so I could help Isabella.  And sometimes I would walk in my closet and close the door and cry – because I didn’t know what else to do.  It was too cold to sit on the front porch, but I knew a girl that would do that.  And on a few occasions, but not very often, I had to call Anthony and ask him to come home as soon as possible because I was done.

• Have a few friends that are a little bit ahead of you.  When they are not in the trenches, they are able to listen and completely understand.  Plus, you can see that they made it!  And, they are probably craving some baby snuggles!  Don’t assume these ladies don’t want to invest in you, because chances are they either had someone who poured into them, or wished that they had.

• And never underestimate the power of some jewelry, dry shampoo, and a little make-up.  Even in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, you can go straight to fabulous with a few accessories!

I’m sure I could go on and on, but I hope you know how special you are to me (even if we don't know each other yet)..  

I would love to bring you coffee, soda, wine, and fries anytime!  I am an open book if you ever have any questions.  And I can also sit and just listen – because sometimes that’s all you need. Praying for a smooth transition, a healthy pregnancy and baby, and sleep!

Lisa

Confessions of a Control Freak

Easter is fast approaching.

In case you didn't know.

You're welcome.

Last Friday was the last day of a two week Spring Break for my girlies. And the day before that we had driven five and a half hours to Kansas for my husband's grandmother's funeral. We also drove the same five and a half hours home that same day. And the girls were so good all day long (our journey began at 3:30 Thursday morning - which many would still consider Wednesday night...)

So, to celebrate the last day of break, and to give my girls a sweet pat on the back, I let them dictate the day's agenda.

• Spa Day (which means I paint their fingers and toes and put glitter polish on top)

• Macaroni and Cheese for lunch (Kraft - not the homemade kind - which is shocking to me)

• Decorate the House for Easter ("it's coming, Mom, whether you're ready or not" - when did they start talking like me???)

This is my first Easter working at the church. Which means, with Easter not only comes my favorite service of the year, but the need to staff extravagantly to ensure that we have enough bodies to help all of the children who walk through our doors know who Jesus is and how much he loves them, because this might be the one and only time...but hoping that it's the first time of many to come. So, ya know, no pressure.

And so the days passed and I hadn't even put out the Easter wreath.

And the girls noticed.

And they were ready to take matters into their own hands.

So, I made the lunch. Painted the nails. Did some work (I know...I had to...). And pulled out the bins of Easter decorations from the basement.

And then it dawned on me. Why shouldn't two little girls be in charge of the actual decorating this year? I mean, they are 9 and 7. They have watched me do it for many years, and helped out when I said, "Can you please put this item in this very particular location? And don't worry, I'll fix it when you're not looking."

True Confessions:
I don't consider myself a control freak. But, I will admit. There are certain things that I want done a certain way. A lot of things I can overlook. And some things I cannot. Seasonal decorating appears to be one of those things that I have determined to be important enough to take pictures every year so I can replicate down to the centimeter where to delicately place each and every decoration in its exact location. Please leave your judgements to yourself thankyouverymuch.

But my heart was just not feeling it this year. And the four, big, blue and green, excited eyes of two little redheads caught me in a moment of weakness, and I gave up all control.

One would have thought Christmas came early!

They were thrilled!

The next thing I knew, the family room was full of bags, paper, and about 7492 plastic Easter eggs.

And my ears were full of the sounds of, "Oops," "Sorry," "Oh, I didn't see that there," and "Whoa, that almost broke."

That's when I pulled rank and had a "Come to Jesus Meeting" regarding the task at hand. I used phrases like, "These are my decorations," and "You need to be very careful," and "This is not a race," and "Please slow down and pay attention to where you are and what is around you."

To say that the process was complete and utter chaos would be an understatement indeed. The room was so full of packing materials, I couldn't even find the actual decorations.

And then, everything stopped. It just stopped. When I looked up to investigate, I realized they were reading. Normally this would cause my mama heart to swell...but, come on...let's finish one thing and then enjoy. But they read EVERY.SINGLE.EASTER.BOOK.WE.OWN. Even the baby books. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.

What is happening? Thankfully at just that moment, my watch reminded me to breathe.

Then the madness began again. Okay - I might have said something...and my tummy started to hurt...

It was interesting though. They kept bringing me baskets full of the eggs that don't actually go in that basket, asking me where to put it. I swallowed hard each time and said, "I don't know. Where do you think it would look nice?" And then it ended up in a random spot. And the girl who placed it there would step back, admiring her work and say, "That is good. I love it!" And immediately she would look at me, longing for my approval, and for me to join in her enthusiastic pleasure.

So I did. "Oh, I like how you put three different kinds of eggs in that basket full of two different kinds of grass. It looks nice like that!" And, "Wow! I like how you spread the eggs all across the desk. I don't think I've ever seen it like that before!"

And they beamed with pure delight!

My house feels cluttered and not even close to how I like Easter to look.

But my girls had so much fun. They couldn't wait for their daddy to come home and show him all they had done to make our house ready for Easter. And he too admired their creative genius. And their faces were overflowing with joy.

My Takeaway:

• My name is Lisa and I like to control holiday decorating.
• My girls matter more than the perfection of holiday decor.
• My girls look to me for approval.
• How I respond and interact matters.
• I can relinquish control over things that don't matter.
• Christmas decorations still matter...

The next morning I noticed the girls wandering slowly through the house checking to see if everything was as they had left it. And it was. I made myself leave it. Even the trail of eggs on the desk. They were quite pleased with themselves. (Okay. I'll admit. I did take the plastic egg out of my trash basket in my office. I couldn't leave that one, because, eww...)

It is our nature to seek approval from others. I continue to struggle with this very issue. And although I do not want my girls constantly seeking my approval, I also want them to know that I am proud of them, even when they do things differently than me - with a big ole' mess at the beginning and a process that I would not have chosen. Our house is still decorated for Easter, and that was the desired outcome. So, mission complete.

Do you let your kids take over every now and then?
Do you let them get distracted as they move through their task?
Do you hover and change things around when they are not looking?
Do you savor those moments when you gave them space to create?

These are things I am still learning to do. And it is not too late. There is still time to let my little girls be little girls. The process is how they learn. It's how I'm sure I learned. First I watched. Then I helped. And then I took over. Godspeed, mamas!