Final Thoughts on Jonah

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The following is a post I wrote in 2014 and have edited for today. I am far from the woman who wrote these words, and yet, they still ring true for me today. To read the original post, click here.

Jonah was a prophet of the Lord in the Old Testament (before Jesus). His job was to reveal God's words to the people and kings of Israel - which was usually bad news of their disobedience and God's anger and punishment. But Jonah was given a new job opportunity to deliver God's message to an extremely evil city in what is now Iraq. Jonah was none-to-thrilled about his new assignment and thought he would outwit and outrun God by heading in the opposite direction toward today's Spain. Jonah could not imagine a world where God would extend His mercy and grace to the people who actually deserved it. He did not want to witness this scene and he did NOT want his good name attached to it. 

But God had different plans. And as is His way, God showed mercy and grace on His disobedient prophet, which Jonah was abundantly grateful for, until he realized God had not eased up on Plan A. God still expected Jonah to head off to Nineveh. And Jonah knew what God would do if the people were sorry. And he held onto his anger and bitterness and resentment.

But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. He prayed to the Lord..."I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity."

Jonah 4:1-2

This reminds me of another angry and bitter and resentful man that Jesus spoke about in one of His parables (an illustrated story His listeners could relate to).

"The older brother became angry...So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, "Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him.""

Luke 15:28-30

Do you notice the similarities between Jonah in chapter 4 and the Prodigal Son's brother in Luke 15? Their stories leading up to the end are not the same. Jonah disobeyed his Father while the "Brother" stayed home and was obedient to his father.

But their stories become very similar as soon as their Father/father responds to the lost and disobedient ones that return with repentance and begging for forgiveness, hoping that the Father/father will respond with compassion. Both the Ninevites and the Prodigal Son humbled themselves before their Father/father. Jonah and the brother watched as their Father/father displayed an extraordinary act of mercy and grace upon those who had wandered away from Him/him. And their rage and disgust built up inside.

As soon as the boys understood that the Father/father had shown mercy to the "sinners," they are both described as becoming "ANGRY." They had either watched their father mourn the loss of his son, or heard the Father express His own anger and plan to completely do away with the nation that had hurt Him so deeply. And then this...a complete turn around in love and forgiveness!

I look at these stories of Jonah and the "Brother" and immediately compare them to the Pharisees, which is exactly who the "Brother" was meant to represent in this Parable that Jesus told in Luke. All three of these "characters" are judgmental and too worried about the rules and the law. They want to see justice served to those who deserve it. And, God is a just God; so when He dishes out love and mercy and compassion and forgiveness, it is almost shocking to stand by and watch NOTHING happen!

And I JUDGE these "characters" with my big heart that knows God's love and mercy and compassion and forgiveness...I JUDGE them thinking, "You don't get it." And I JUDGE those around me. I would be lying if I said that I have never felt like God didn't dole out the punishment like I thought He should. I have sat in the judgement seat more often than I'd like to admit. I see injustice and I want it set right! A modern day Super Girl right here! My God and I will right the wrongs of the world! But when I do this, I am missing the point...I don't get it...

"...I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it."

John 12:47

Whether I judge the "characters" in these stories or the real people in my life, I become like Jonah. And then my Father must set me down and say:

...Should I not be concerned about...:

your neighbors?

your enemies?

those who annoy you?

those who have hurt you?

those in darkness?

the lost?

the lonely?

the broken?

the sinners? 

Jonah 4:11

Jesus did not come to judge, he came to save.  Our God is a God of second, twenty-second, and seventy-second chances! And we are oh so thankful when we are the recipients of His great mercy. But watching someone else, who in our eyes, has no business being forgiven, becomes tough! So we must trust that God knows what He is doing. We must allow God to discipline His children in His way. And how would we know if the one He's forgiving might not become someone great in His Kingdom. All the Bible Greats were great sinners.  Abraham, Moses, David, Solomon, Peter, Paul...and not "little church lady sins." These boys did it "right!" And these are men we respect enough to follow what their words and stories teach us.

Whether we like it or not, we are not meant to dispense judgement on others. Very clearly Jesus laid out our job for us here: "Love God. Love others." It's not easy, but it's not impossible if we lean into Jesus and let God be God.

What Breaks Your Heart?

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(Read Jonah 4)

I have been asked this question several time over the past few months:

What breaks your heart?

And if I'm honest, sometimes it feels a little intimidating to answer that question. There are so many things that bring me to tears (I'm a crier - it's not difficult). But the things that truly break my heart are becoming more and more clear to me as I lean in.

Jonah was all over the place as far as his emotions and feelings were concerned. He was rebellious and disobedient in Chapter One - but God was merciful. He was thankful in Chapter Two - and God was compassionate. Jonah was reluctantly obedient in Chapter Three - and God was relenting - but not to Jonah. And here we are in Chapter Four, where Jonah is "displeased" and "exceedingly" "angry" - and the Lord questions Jonah's motives and his heart.

For the first time in Chapter Four we see Jonah show concern for something other than himself. I have always read Jonah's interaction with the shade plant that whithered as Jonah's own selfishness about no longer having shade because it had died.

But today I read it as Jonah having concern over the plant perishing - like he was sad for the plant.

Why does this change my interpretation of these last few verses in Jonah?

Because all of a sudden, Jonah actually allows himself to become heartbroken over something. He finally shows sorrow, concern, and compassion, but it is toward a plant that existed for less than 24 hours. And yet, his heart remained hardened toward the 120,000 lives that lived in the "great" city of Nineveh. He cared more about revenge and condemnation and retribution for this evil and wicked city than about their radical repentance over God's compassion for them.

Jonah basically says to the Lord, "I KNEW you would relent! You are too gracious and merciful. You are too slow to become angry with those who deserve your wrath. You are too loving. And because of that, those Ninevites won't get the punishment they deserve. These sinners break your heart, but you kill an innocent plant!" (my paraphrase).

I'm quite certain, in this irrational moment, Jonah must have forgotten his own prayer of thanksgiving from inside the belly of the fish just a few days prior, thanking God for His mercy and sparing his life - even though Jonah had fled in disobedience and had done absolutely nothing to deserve God's mercy.

And now Jonah pleads with God for death to come and carry him away because God would not carry out His wrath on the city of Nineveh.

And this is where it gets personal for me. Over the past eighteen or so months, God has revealed something to me.

I live in Nineveh.

In the five miles around me there are about 300,000 people - and 276,000 of them do not know Jesus or have walked away from a better life with Him - and unlike Jonah, this breaks my heart.

Because the Lord loves them. He wants them to turn their hearts to Him, just as He wanted Nineveh to turn their hearts to Him. And He has placed the 8% of His followers where we are on purpose and with a purpose.

And now we all have a choice.

Will we choose to love our neighbor where they are?

Will we choose to love our enemy as they are?

Will we choose to be bold and dauntless?

Will we choose to leave the safety of the church and go out among the lost and lonely?

Will we choose to trust God and shine and reflect His light into the darkness all around us?

Will we choose to sacrifice some of our desires and preferences to create a space for the lost and broken to feel safe and welcome and expected and loved?

Jonah's dilemma was not an isolated event. Throughout history God has strategically called His followers to actually "go and make disciples." This has often times been met with "Jonah-like" responses - disobedience, fear, and rebellion. But, even as Jonah admitted from the belly of the fish - God is always with us. He will never leave us or forsake us. His love endures forever.

What breaks your heart?
Where is God calling you to trust and go?
How is God revealing to you what breaks His heart?
Who is God allowing you to come alongside with and love right where they are?
What will you do? Will you run away or will you respond and obey?
It is your choice.

BE BOLD!!! BE BRAVE!!! TRUST!!! OBEY!!!

Choose your Nineveh! Choose people over preferences. Choose God's cause over your comfort.

Second Chances

Photo Credit: She Reads Truth

"Mercy is not a matter of merit; it is God's gift."

Rebecca Faires

(Read Jonah 3)

God was determined to have His message delivered to Nineveh, and He was determined to have it delivered by Jonah. God could have permitted Jonah to drown in the sea. He could have allowed Jonah to be digested by the fish. But, instead, God chose to give Jonah mercy - to give Jonah a second chance. He spoke to Jonah again, recommissioning him to bring God's message of destruction to the evil city of Nineveh. And this time Jonah went - he complied with God's will, but that does not mean his compliance was from his heart.

Why Jonah?
Why give him a second chance?
Why warn the city of the destruction their evil ways had led them to? 
Why show mercy to this wayward prophet, who even when he obeys, was still hardhearted?
Why relent from the disaster that city certainly deserved?

Because God's ways are not our ways - we cannot fully understand why He does what He does and we are not meant to. God is merciful (Jonah 4:2). He had mercy on His disobedient prophet. He showed mercy to the Ninevites who repented and cried out to the Lord. And He shows mercy to you and me every single day - Every. Single. Day.

This story is a little bit about a proud and judgemental prophet; a little bit about an evil city who heeded the warnings of the prophet; and a lot about the God who showed mercy and forgiveness to both.

 I know I probably spend most of my days tottering between a Jonah mindset - grateful for God's mercy for me, but horrified that He would give it so freely to the worst of the worst - and the Ninevites who, once made aware of their sinful ways, and God's impending destruction, turned completely from the sins that tore them away from God, and wondered if He might have mercy on them (Jonah 3:9).

Jonah knew God well enough to understood that if the people recognized their sin and wrong doing, God would relent from the disaster and destruction. Jonah tried to prevent God from showing His mercy by running from God and away from his call. What would have happened if Jonah had run and never turned back to the Lord? I think one of two things: 1)God would have raised up another prophet who would carry His message to Nineveh, or 2)God would have destroyed Nineveh and none of the people would have known why, or given glory to God.

When we run from God and His call, we are not the only ones who suffer. His purpose for our lives is not just for our benefit. He has created this intertwining tapestry, and will pull us into the lives of others for different reasons. Sometimes we don't even know God is using us in certain ways, and sometimes He makes it quite clear. But regardless, when we walk away from His call in self-preservation and selfish ambition, ignoring His desires for us, other people are affected.

And just as God is willing to give us a second chance (or a 485th chance), we must understand that He is just as willing to give someone else another chance. He is merciful and loving. He wants every single one to come to Him. And this is why Jesus came to us - to shepherd all of us back to the Father.

What are you running from?
What breaks your heart?

Who is affected by your disobedience?

"The story of Nineveh's repentance is about God's perfect patience, His deep mercy, and His profound forgiveness." - Rebecca Faires

Arise, Go

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“Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me.”

Jonah 1:2

 (Read Jonah 1)

The Lord called to Jonah and commissioned him with a very specific task - "Go to Nineveh and call out against it.

But Jonah fled, not just from the Lord's calling, but also from the presence of the Lord.

The typical response to an unflattering task is to argue or question God, which leaves me wondering, why did Jonah run?

Perhaps he was more afraid of the people of Nineveh than He was of the Lord - the creator of the land and the sea (v.9).

It is so easy to read Jonah's story and judge his character and acts of rebellion. But when we stop and ask ourselves if we have ever acted in rebellion instead of obedience, fearing people more than the Lord, I'm quite certain we would all answer yes. I know I have - very recently actually. A situation arose where I thought I knew better than God and set out to prove it. I dug my heels in and did exactly what other people wanted me to do - because that seemed easier than disappointing and hurting anyone else. And it was awful. And I was miserable. And, it turns out, I ended up hurting myself and others through my defiance.

Every step of defiance was a step away from the Lord. For weeks I fled. What started as a simple walk quickly escalated into a full on run to escape the Lord and what He was asking me to do. I honestly thought I knew better, and I was on a mission to prove it - to Him and to everybody.

Why was I running so hard and so fast and so far?

Because, just like Rebecca Faires points out, "God is fierce and awesome in His pursuit...God's pursuit is relentless exactly because He is so loving...God wanted Jonah."

I had to run because God's pursuit is relentless - because He is loving and because He wants me. I knew that once I slowed down, God's fierce love would overcome me, and that I would once again have to make a deliberate choice to either follow Him in submission and obedience, or take off running again, fleeing from my Lord. 

But I was getting tired. Attempting to outrun God is exhausting, physically and emotionally. And it is impossible. When Jonah thought he had escaped the presence of the Lord on the boat, he fell into such a deep sleep that not even the "great tempest" (v.12) of the sea could wake him. Running makes us weak. And no matter how fast or how far we go, our Lord continues to relentlessly pursue us with His fierce love for us.

But here's the thing - we cannot outrun God. It is one of His greatest promises to us. Over and over again, throughout God's Word, He promises that He will never leave us. He will always be with us. He will go with us. And in that, we can be strong and courageous (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5-9, Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5).

God was with Jonah and wanted Jonah.

God is with me and wants me. 

He is with you and wants you. 

He "gives specific callings to specific people" (Ephesians 2:10, Rebecca Faires). He has placed us in our specific place with specific people with a specific purpose. We may not always understand the what or the why or the where or the when or the who or the how, but we are not meant to understand, we are meant to obey and follow.

When I finally stopped running, I fell to my knees and turned my face back to the Lord. And there was a peace that overwhelmed me when I submitted my own plans and desires to Him and moved in obedience with Him.

Fear makes us irrational. But leaning into the Lord makes everything right. Lean into His strength and His calling. Obey the Lord and trust Him. And know that when you run, He will pursue you with reckless abandon. You are His beloved.

Fight or Flight?

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I was reading about a guy named Samuel this morning. His whole story is pretty incredible, but today I was only reading about when God was calling him in (1 Samuel 3). As I read, I began to reflect on the times when I have felt the Lord call me to something or somewhere. I was relieved that Samuel also struggled to discern the voice of the Lord, but a little embarrassed by the way I actually handle myself when the Lord calls out to me.

When it comes to fight or flight, I am almost always a flighter. Confrontation, awkward moments, the actual raising of ones voice - they are not my love language. I would rather avoid until the tensions cool, and then just move forward rather than actually digging my heels in to deal with the issue at hand. This MO has brought me to where I am today (although, I have been told this is neither healthy nor productive, and so I am working on learning the art of confrontation - and yes - I might have just thrown up in my mouth a little...)

What has been revealed to me over the last few days is that my mode of operation with God looks vastly different than with those around me.

Oh sure, I take off running - that's pretty much standard operating procedure for this girl. But, as I run, I think and justify and, dare I say, argue??? I can dig my heels in with the best of them and fight God something fierce.

I generally begin by reminding God that I am not actually qualified or equipped of experienced to do the thing He told me to do. And as quickly as I can, I let my mind become filled with doubt that I even heard Him - I mean, who can really hear His voice anyway? And, here's the deal, He is a God of order and clarity, NOT chaos and confusion - and I cling white knuckled to that for as long as possible whilst I run my brains out.

Frustration and exhaustion will begin to set in. And this is when I just avoid and try really hard to just "be present" and "content" where I am. "This is good," I say. "I am good here. See, all is well."

Except, it's not all well and good. I am not sure what this stage looks like for you (if you even try to fight...), but this is about the time that I begin to feel angry and maybe resentful. My mood shifts. I become edgy and angry. I can even fall into some depression. I am not me.

Why?

Because I am acting out in blatant disobedience.
Because I begin to value who I want to be or who others want me to be over who the Lord has created me to be - over who He has called me to be.
Because I become so blinded by my desire for security and comfort and what is known that I forget who it is I am meant to be serving and honoring with my life.

And then here is what happens every.single.time.

Once I am too tired to keep running.
Once I no longer have it in me to fight.
Once I cease to act out in rebellion.
Once I confess to a wise friend what is going on.
Once I humble my heart and ask for wisdom.

Peace fills me - that cliche "peace of God which surpasses all understanding" (Philippians 4:7).

This is actually an incredible feeling - like this weight, this burden has been lifted - and I am me again.

Why?

Because I am now walking in obedience.
Because I am trusting my God.
Because I am no longer fighting or flighting.
Because I am submitting to the One who knows my past, present, and future - my wins and my failures - my strengths and my weaknesses.
Because I recognize and hear the voice of the Lord.

Sweet friends. There are a million reasons we can come up with to avoid following the Lord's calling on us. Everything from time to money to being unqualified or just flat out unwilling.

But here's the deal: God does not reserve His calling based on:

• your past sins (Saul/Paul)
• your future sins (David)
• your resume (Moses)
• your age (Timothy)
• your education (Peter)
• your gender (Esther)

Jill Briscoe says, "we get our "call" when we get saved. We are all called if we are saved...it is after obedience that the courage will be waiting for you."

"Okay, Lord. I get it. I hear you. I am getting up and going - blindly following you out into the deep unknown - trusting that you will lead me right into the place that you have designed for me to be. Give me strength and wisdom. I pray for bold actions and dauntless faith. May I serve you well as I serve those you have put before me."

Please know, by no means have I "arrived" and declare myself "awesome" at obeying the Lord. This continues to be a pattern of behavior that although I am now aware of, does not mean I am completely delivered from. But, now that I am aware, hopefully I will begin to trust and obey sooner than the time before.  I pray the same for you.

Confessions of a Control Freak

Easter is fast approaching.

In case you didn't know.

You're welcome.

Last Friday was the last day of a two week Spring Break for my girlies. And the day before that we had driven five and a half hours to Kansas for my husband's grandmother's funeral. We also drove the same five and a half hours home that same day. And the girls were so good all day long (our journey began at 3:30 Thursday morning - which many would still consider Wednesday night...)

So, to celebrate the last day of break, and to give my girls a sweet pat on the back, I let them dictate the day's agenda.

• Spa Day (which means I paint their fingers and toes and put glitter polish on top)

• Macaroni and Cheese for lunch (Kraft - not the homemade kind - which is shocking to me)

• Decorate the House for Easter ("it's coming, Mom, whether you're ready or not" - when did they start talking like me???)

This is my first Easter working at the church. Which means, with Easter not only comes my favorite service of the year, but the need to staff extravagantly to ensure that we have enough bodies to help all of the children who walk through our doors know who Jesus is and how much he loves them, because this might be the one and only time...but hoping that it's the first time of many to come. So, ya know, no pressure.

And so the days passed and I hadn't even put out the Easter wreath.

And the girls noticed.

And they were ready to take matters into their own hands.

So, I made the lunch. Painted the nails. Did some work (I know...I had to...). And pulled out the bins of Easter decorations from the basement.

And then it dawned on me. Why shouldn't two little girls be in charge of the actual decorating this year? I mean, they are 9 and 7. They have watched me do it for many years, and helped out when I said, "Can you please put this item in this very particular location? And don't worry, I'll fix it when you're not looking."

True Confessions:
I don't consider myself a control freak. But, I will admit. There are certain things that I want done a certain way. A lot of things I can overlook. And some things I cannot. Seasonal decorating appears to be one of those things that I have determined to be important enough to take pictures every year so I can replicate down to the centimeter where to delicately place each and every decoration in its exact location. Please leave your judgements to yourself thankyouverymuch.

But my heart was just not feeling it this year. And the four, big, blue and green, excited eyes of two little redheads caught me in a moment of weakness, and I gave up all control.

One would have thought Christmas came early!

They were thrilled!

The next thing I knew, the family room was full of bags, paper, and about 7492 plastic Easter eggs.

And my ears were full of the sounds of, "Oops," "Sorry," "Oh, I didn't see that there," and "Whoa, that almost broke."

That's when I pulled rank and had a "Come to Jesus Meeting" regarding the task at hand. I used phrases like, "These are my decorations," and "You need to be very careful," and "This is not a race," and "Please slow down and pay attention to where you are and what is around you."

To say that the process was complete and utter chaos would be an understatement indeed. The room was so full of packing materials, I couldn't even find the actual decorations.

And then, everything stopped. It just stopped. When I looked up to investigate, I realized they were reading. Normally this would cause my mama heart to swell...but, come on...let's finish one thing and then enjoy. But they read EVERY.SINGLE.EASTER.BOOK.WE.OWN. Even the baby books. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.

What is happening? Thankfully at just that moment, my watch reminded me to breathe.

Then the madness began again. Okay - I might have said something...and my tummy started to hurt...

It was interesting though. They kept bringing me baskets full of the eggs that don't actually go in that basket, asking me where to put it. I swallowed hard each time and said, "I don't know. Where do you think it would look nice?" And then it ended up in a random spot. And the girl who placed it there would step back, admiring her work and say, "That is good. I love it!" And immediately she would look at me, longing for my approval, and for me to join in her enthusiastic pleasure.

So I did. "Oh, I like how you put three different kinds of eggs in that basket full of two different kinds of grass. It looks nice like that!" And, "Wow! I like how you spread the eggs all across the desk. I don't think I've ever seen it like that before!"

And they beamed with pure delight!

My house feels cluttered and not even close to how I like Easter to look.

But my girls had so much fun. They couldn't wait for their daddy to come home and show him all they had done to make our house ready for Easter. And he too admired their creative genius. And their faces were overflowing with joy.

My Takeaway:

• My name is Lisa and I like to control holiday decorating.
• My girls matter more than the perfection of holiday decor.
• My girls look to me for approval.
• How I respond and interact matters.
• I can relinquish control over things that don't matter.
• Christmas decorations still matter...

The next morning I noticed the girls wandering slowly through the house checking to see if everything was as they had left it. And it was. I made myself leave it. Even the trail of eggs on the desk. They were quite pleased with themselves. (Okay. I'll admit. I did take the plastic egg out of my trash basket in my office. I couldn't leave that one, because, eww...)

It is our nature to seek approval from others. I continue to struggle with this very issue. And although I do not want my girls constantly seeking my approval, I also want them to know that I am proud of them, even when they do things differently than me - with a big ole' mess at the beginning and a process that I would not have chosen. Our house is still decorated for Easter, and that was the desired outcome. So, mission complete.

Do you let your kids take over every now and then?
Do you let them get distracted as they move through their task?
Do you hover and change things around when they are not looking?
Do you savor those moments when you gave them space to create?

These are things I am still learning to do. And it is not too late. There is still time to let my little girls be little girls. The process is how they learn. It's how I'm sure I learned. First I watched. Then I helped. And then I took over. Godspeed, mamas!

When You Realize You Haven't Really Changed...

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Do you have idols in your life?  I have often wondered about this in my own life.  I know at different times, I've struggled with different things, but I really thought I was in a good place with God, and then I realized, I'm not.

I really thought I was past this, but I have an ongoing struggle with fear.  Like an all-consuming, paralyzing kind of fear.  Fear is one of the reasons I stopped writing.  Fear prevents me from walking in obedience and full surrender to God.  Fear controls what I do and don't do.  It is a stronghold in my life.  And it is one that I am bound and determined to fight and break.  It also changes its look, depending on where I am in life.  It has a way of morphing into different things, but the bottom line is always the same: I am afraid.

Last week I flew to Seattle to watch my sister walk across the University of Washington's graduation stage, decked out in full PhD regalia!  It was an amazing experience, and I am so proud of her and all that she has accomplished!  But on the flight to Seattle, I realized that I was still struggling with something that I thought I was done with.  I took out my journal and wrote these words:

Right now I'm however high planes fly above the ground at what the pilots call "cruising altitude."  I'm sitting in an exit row all by myself - as in out of 12 seats in 2 rows, I'm the only emergency helper available to the flight crew - no pressure.

I've been praying off and on for several days about this flight.  This is Step 1 of my Flying Routine.  I pray for safety and protection and peace.  I also pray for the pilot and flight crew, as well as for those on the ground, asking for wisdom and discernment and that they are focused and attentive.  This goes for anyone who might have anything to do with the plane, from the fuel fillers to the seat cleaners to the guys with the glow sticks, to the people in the flight center watching all the dots on the screen.

Step 2 begins when I arrive at my gate.  I go to the bathroom several times - at least 3 or 4 times - just to be safe.  I do NOT want to have to get up during my flight.  

Step 3 - Pray again before boarding the plane.  I also try to think of a song that will act as my calming mantra for the remainder of the flight.  Tonight I chose "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship (I will post below).

Step 4 requires me to willfully take the steps I need to in order to walk onto the plane and get in my seat.  I promptly put my seat belt on, fastening it as tight as I can, and frantically peeking around for the nearest exits.  Today was my lucky day because the exit was right beside me!  Unless, as the sweet flight attendant reminded me, there is a fire...

Step 5 - Read and commit to memory the Safety Instruction card, which, by the way, is NOT that easy to understand.  I need words to help me understand how to remove that window exit and attach the safety rope and inflate the slide.

Step 6 is a new one - Make sure the vomit bag is in the seat pocket in front of me.  This comes from a new fear of my seat mates getting sick. 

Step 7 - I start humming my song.  "Give me faith to trust what you say, that you're good and your love is great...All I am, I surrender...I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me.  My flesh may fail, but my God you never will."

And that's when I realized that boy oh boy, had my flesh failed.  

As I sat in seat 11A, I found myself praying and asking God to protect me and the other passengers.  I was praying that I would make it safely back home to my girls, and asking that God would not take me because although I love Him, I love my girls and want to be with them.

And there it was.  My idols.  I admitted to my Father - the Creator of Heaven and Earth - the One who calls me beloved and chosen - the one who knitted me together in my mother's womb - who knows the number of hairs on my head and days in my life.  I admitted that I don't want to be with Him right now, in the place that He's prepared for me by the blood His Son spilled on my behalf - because He loves me that much.  

I tried to take it back, but I couldn't.  I had to immediately confess and repent, but I'm bothered by my fleshly desires.  I broke Rule #1 - "You shall have no other gods before me."" (Exodus 20:3).  He knows my heart and knows that I just don't want to leave my girls without their mama, but I ache realizing that my heart is not fully surrendered.  I've not fully given all of myself to Him.  I'm holding on and trying desperately to make sure I'm always there for my girls.  I'm afraid to leave them.

So not only do I have idols, but I'm still afraid.  Still paralyzed by fear.  Still worrying about what might happen.  Still not free from my fear.

But then I remember that His ways and His thoughts are not my ways and not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).  This brings me both comfort and angst.  And then I hear a quiet whisper, "Be still.  Be still and know.  I Am."

I am still mulling over this, but I will not let it shut me down.  And now that I am aware of it, I can move past it.  Step One - keep writing.  It has been confirmed to me over and over again for the past year or so that I need to keep writing in obedience.  Step Two - accept forgiveness.  God does not help grudges when we repent.  That is why Jesus came.  Step Three - learn to surrender my WHOLE life to God, not withholding anything from Him.  That is where He wants us - completely surrendered.

So off I go...into the unknown..."I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me. My flesh my fail, but my God you never will..."