Fight or Flight?

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I was reading about a guy named Samuel this morning. His whole story is pretty incredible, but today I was only reading about when God was calling him in (1 Samuel 3). As I read, I began to reflect on the times when I have felt the Lord call me to something or somewhere. I was relieved that Samuel also struggled to discern the voice of the Lord, but a little embarrassed by the way I actually handle myself when the Lord calls out to me.

When it comes to fight or flight, I am almost always a flighter. Confrontation, awkward moments, the actual raising of ones voice - they are not my love language. I would rather avoid until the tensions cool, and then just move forward rather than actually digging my heels in to deal with the issue at hand. This MO has brought me to where I am today (although, I have been told this is neither healthy nor productive, and so I am working on learning the art of confrontation - and yes - I might have just thrown up in my mouth a little...)

What has been revealed to me over the last few days is that my mode of operation with God looks vastly different than with those around me.

Oh sure, I take off running - that's pretty much standard operating procedure for this girl. But, as I run, I think and justify and, dare I say, argue??? I can dig my heels in with the best of them and fight God something fierce.

I generally begin by reminding God that I am not actually qualified or equipped of experienced to do the thing He told me to do. And as quickly as I can, I let my mind become filled with doubt that I even heard Him - I mean, who can really hear His voice anyway? And, here's the deal, He is a God of order and clarity, NOT chaos and confusion - and I cling white knuckled to that for as long as possible whilst I run my brains out.

Frustration and exhaustion will begin to set in. And this is when I just avoid and try really hard to just "be present" and "content" where I am. "This is good," I say. "I am good here. See, all is well."

Except, it's not all well and good. I am not sure what this stage looks like for you (if you even try to fight...), but this is about the time that I begin to feel angry and maybe resentful. My mood shifts. I become edgy and angry. I can even fall into some depression. I am not me.

Why?

Because I am acting out in blatant disobedience.
Because I begin to value who I want to be or who others want me to be over who the Lord has created me to be - over who He has called me to be.
Because I become so blinded by my desire for security and comfort and what is known that I forget who it is I am meant to be serving and honoring with my life.

And then here is what happens every.single.time.

Once I am too tired to keep running.
Once I no longer have it in me to fight.
Once I cease to act out in rebellion.
Once I confess to a wise friend what is going on.
Once I humble my heart and ask for wisdom.

Peace fills me - that cliche "peace of God which surpasses all understanding" (Philippians 4:7).

This is actually an incredible feeling - like this weight, this burden has been lifted - and I am me again.

Why?

Because I am now walking in obedience.
Because I am trusting my God.
Because I am no longer fighting or flighting.
Because I am submitting to the One who knows my past, present, and future - my wins and my failures - my strengths and my weaknesses.
Because I recognize and hear the voice of the Lord.

Sweet friends. There are a million reasons we can come up with to avoid following the Lord's calling on us. Everything from time to money to being unqualified or just flat out unwilling.

But here's the deal: God does not reserve His calling based on:

• your past sins (Saul/Paul)
• your future sins (David)
• your resume (Moses)
• your age (Timothy)
• your education (Peter)
• your gender (Esther)

Jill Briscoe says, "we get our "call" when we get saved. We are all called if we are saved...it is after obedience that the courage will be waiting for you."

"Okay, Lord. I get it. I hear you. I am getting up and going - blindly following you out into the deep unknown - trusting that you will lead me right into the place that you have designed for me to be. Give me strength and wisdom. I pray for bold actions and dauntless faith. May I serve you well as I serve those you have put before me."

Please know, by no means have I "arrived" and declare myself "awesome" at obeying the Lord. This continues to be a pattern of behavior that although I am now aware of, does not mean I am completely delivered from. But, now that I am aware, hopefully I will begin to trust and obey sooner than the time before.  I pray the same for you.