When You Realize You Haven't Really Changed...

photo found on www.passionconference.net

Do you have idols in your life?  I have often wondered about this in my own life.  I know at different times, I've struggled with different things, but I really thought I was in a good place with God, and then I realized, I'm not.

I really thought I was past this, but I have an ongoing struggle with fear.  Like an all-consuming, paralyzing kind of fear.  Fear is one of the reasons I stopped writing.  Fear prevents me from walking in obedience and full surrender to God.  Fear controls what I do and don't do.  It is a stronghold in my life.  And it is one that I am bound and determined to fight and break.  It also changes its look, depending on where I am in life.  It has a way of morphing into different things, but the bottom line is always the same: I am afraid.

Last week I flew to Seattle to watch my sister walk across the University of Washington's graduation stage, decked out in full PhD regalia!  It was an amazing experience, and I am so proud of her and all that she has accomplished!  But on the flight to Seattle, I realized that I was still struggling with something that I thought I was done with.  I took out my journal and wrote these words:

Right now I'm however high planes fly above the ground at what the pilots call "cruising altitude."  I'm sitting in an exit row all by myself - as in out of 12 seats in 2 rows, I'm the only emergency helper available to the flight crew - no pressure.

I've been praying off and on for several days about this flight.  This is Step 1 of my Flying Routine.  I pray for safety and protection and peace.  I also pray for the pilot and flight crew, as well as for those on the ground, asking for wisdom and discernment and that they are focused and attentive.  This goes for anyone who might have anything to do with the plane, from the fuel fillers to the seat cleaners to the guys with the glow sticks, to the people in the flight center watching all the dots on the screen.

Step 2 begins when I arrive at my gate.  I go to the bathroom several times - at least 3 or 4 times - just to be safe.  I do NOT want to have to get up during my flight.  

Step 3 - Pray again before boarding the plane.  I also try to think of a song that will act as my calming mantra for the remainder of the flight.  Tonight I chose "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship (I will post below).

Step 4 requires me to willfully take the steps I need to in order to walk onto the plane and get in my seat.  I promptly put my seat belt on, fastening it as tight as I can, and frantically peeking around for the nearest exits.  Today was my lucky day because the exit was right beside me!  Unless, as the sweet flight attendant reminded me, there is a fire...

Step 5 - Read and commit to memory the Safety Instruction card, which, by the way, is NOT that easy to understand.  I need words to help me understand how to remove that window exit and attach the safety rope and inflate the slide.

Step 6 is a new one - Make sure the vomit bag is in the seat pocket in front of me.  This comes from a new fear of my seat mates getting sick. 

Step 7 - I start humming my song.  "Give me faith to trust what you say, that you're good and your love is great...All I am, I surrender...I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me.  My flesh may fail, but my God you never will."

And that's when I realized that boy oh boy, had my flesh failed.  

As I sat in seat 11A, I found myself praying and asking God to protect me and the other passengers.  I was praying that I would make it safely back home to my girls, and asking that God would not take me because although I love Him, I love my girls and want to be with them.

And there it was.  My idols.  I admitted to my Father - the Creator of Heaven and Earth - the One who calls me beloved and chosen - the one who knitted me together in my mother's womb - who knows the number of hairs on my head and days in my life.  I admitted that I don't want to be with Him right now, in the place that He's prepared for me by the blood His Son spilled on my behalf - because He loves me that much.  

I tried to take it back, but I couldn't.  I had to immediately confess and repent, but I'm bothered by my fleshly desires.  I broke Rule #1 - "You shall have no other gods before me."" (Exodus 20:3).  He knows my heart and knows that I just don't want to leave my girls without their mama, but I ache realizing that my heart is not fully surrendered.  I've not fully given all of myself to Him.  I'm holding on and trying desperately to make sure I'm always there for my girls.  I'm afraid to leave them.

So not only do I have idols, but I'm still afraid.  Still paralyzed by fear.  Still worrying about what might happen.  Still not free from my fear.

But then I remember that His ways and His thoughts are not my ways and not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).  This brings me both comfort and angst.  And then I hear a quiet whisper, "Be still.  Be still and know.  I Am."

I am still mulling over this, but I will not let it shut me down.  And now that I am aware of it, I can move past it.  Step One - keep writing.  It has been confirmed to me over and over again for the past year or so that I need to keep writing in obedience.  Step Two - accept forgiveness.  God does not help grudges when we repent.  That is why Jesus came.  Step Three - learn to surrender my WHOLE life to God, not withholding anything from Him.  That is where He wants us - completely surrendered.

So off I go...into the unknown..."I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me. My flesh my fail, but my God you never will..."